I sat up, dazed, and gave Adrian a… hug. Now when I mean the “dot dot dot,” I mean the “hug” wasn’t actually that, it was something a little more affectionative. But hey, I’m trying to clean it up for the PG audience, capisce?
More whimsical verbiage from the middle school tale, Halloween Ghoul In School.
Nope. I’m done. I’m fucking done. I’m going to find my seventh grade self, cut off his hands, and shove them bone-first into his eyes. I’m going to point out how sick and wrong everything about this story is, and when he tells me he can’t see, I’m going to smash his guitar over his head. Then I’m going to turn off his computer and throw it out of the window, and then throw him down on top of it, letting the shards of metal and glass impale him through his stomach.
And when his parents come through the front door and see the mess, and see me standing beside him with panic in my eyes, my lips will curl into a grin, and I’ll say:
"You’ll thank me later."
And then I will phase out of that time, and this universe, and BECOME A SPACE OCTOPUS AND LIVE FOREVER.
…said the toilet, as its covered swung up and revealed a black, gaping maw that seemed to have no end.
"Heeeeeere’s Dookie!" said its owner, as he dropped his pants and turned. He bent his knees, relaxed his bowels, and squeezed.
The toilet screamed into the night, and was never quite the same.
A lovely Halloween story by William, age 5
I was relaxing on the outdoor balcony of the Barnes & Noble when the Apple Store (the one with the most professional genius ever) suddenly exploded with applause.
Thinking that there was some big Apple party happening downstairs, I grabbed my bag and ran across the street just as the cheers faded off.
I asked a Genius, “What happened? Did you guys sell your 1,000th iPod? Did someone get married? Did you decide to start selling the Apple II again?”
He said, “Nope. Some of our Genius staff just left, and we clapped them out.”
Some of their Genius staff just left, and they clapped them out.
I don’t know whether that’s a symbol of a wonderful place of employment, or a sign that Apple is slowly taking over humanity with some wacky e-Communist bullshit.
(“Wacky e-Communist bullshit” is a thing now.)
This karaoke place that a bunch of us wonderful people went to tonight was a few unfortunate strippers away from being The Sketchiest Place On Earth™.
Never mind that the place clearly hadn’t been updated since 1992. There was a stripper pole in the middle of the stage. It was clearly meant for a purpose. A sketchy purpose.
Also, the 70-year-old emcee tried to hook up some chick with my friend The Friendly Ghost. She refused. Everything was awkward.
I was the designated driver. The End.