February 2012
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“The faintest smile appeared on her hips.”
– I meant to write “The faintest smile appeared on her lips,” which is a terrible sentence already, but now all I can think of is a vagina smiling and whoops I should really get straight to bed, good night.
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SHERLOCK
Restaurant Manager: Anything on the menu, anything you want, free, on the house for you AND your date.
Sherlock: Do you want to eat?
Watson: I'm not his date.
Will: So THAT'S what everyone's talking about!
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notnadia replied to your photo: I have tried to avoid watching Sherlock since I’ve…
Never, ever doubt us.
I’m starting to see why people make crossovers of Sherlock and Doctor Who and Supernatural now and all I need to do is watch Supernatural and then I will write fan fictions and animate GIFs and fall in love with ALL OF THE CHARACTERS and FEEL ALL OF THE FEELINGS and Oh My God I...
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What Ze did right
Do you ever watch Youtube personalities (see also: “big dumb video blogs”) and think, “Gosh golly, these people are unnecessarily LOUD? LOUD and OBNOXIOUS? Why is this LOUD PERSON putting on an UNNECESSARILY GAUDY DISGUISE? Why is this LOUD PERSON trying to shove her UNNECESSARILY ANGRY OPINIONS down my throat? What is that old man doing to that POOR DOG?” Although that...
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Watchedwardspoonhands:
AHHHH! HERE IS THE NEWS! The Show with Ze Frank RETURNS!
I remember watching The Show when I was a sophomore in high school with my rag-tag group of rambunctious rapscallions on a computer in the music practice room. Of course, the website was blocked and we had to use l33t h4x0ring t4ct1c5 to get around the firewall, but it was worth the time and the possible threat of...
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Joke
That was a joke.
I don’t care that much about new Pokemon games. You can’t catch Missingno. on them. You can’t cause your Game Boy to combust into a million tiny bits. They’re dead to me.
And the color thing doesn’t matter. I don’t think I’d like to play a Pokemon Brown Version anyway. Too many poop jokes that are too easy to make. Come on now.
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POKEMON: THEY RAN OUT OF COLORS EDITION.
To the press room!
POKÉMON BLACK VERSION 2 AND POKÉMON WHITE VERSION 2 ANNOUNCED Two New Highly Anticipated Pokémon Video Games Coming This Fall REDMOND, Wash. -Feb. 27th, 2012-Coming off the record-breaking popularity of the Pokémon Black Version and Pokémon White Versionvideo games, Nintendo of America Inc. announced today that two new Pokémon titles, Pokémon Black Version 2 and Pokémon White...
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Meryl Streep won the NASCARs, everyone!
Meryl Streep won the NASCARs! She won the Best Actress (sponsored by Valvoline) Award for her performance in “The Iron 432-horsepower Ford Fusion GT.”
Wait, I’m watching the wrong awards show again. Damn.
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Will at the Oscars, 2020:
Joan Rivers's preserved head: And who are you wearing tonight?
Will: Shirts aren't people, Joan. This is a shirt, not a person. You've been using the word "who" for the last 20 God damn years when you should really be using "what!" I mean -- I'm -- I'm going crazy here! Gahhhh!
Joan Rivers's preserved head: ...No, I mean... who made the clothes... that you're wearing.
Will: Oh. Um, Armani. I think.
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From what I can tell, it’s a pretty lackluster Oscars this year.
I can’t make a whole song-and-dance about it, because I was at a concert and now have laundry to do. You’ll just have to blog and tweet about the results so that I can follow along. Also the video streaming in my apartment is pissing today. It’s not been a banner night for Internet.
But don’t most of...
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AWARD ME
Is there an award for the Best Weekend Ever? Because if we’re taking the last twenty years into account, this weekend might have won by a landslide.
I don’t care if nothing else was nominated. I am my own nominating committee.
Meanwhile, 30 Rock.
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Never write on a bus
Never write on a bus.
Sure, the best idea could come to your head in the middle of a ride from New York to Toronto. You may have the perfect novel in mind on the way to LA. But if you want to keep from slamming your laptop against the emergency exit or stabbing your rowmate in the eye with your pen, jot down the idea in a few words and save it for when you step off of that hell-vehicle.
You can...
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Things to do on public transportation
Read a book!
Watch a movie on Netflix!
Look out the window and see the sights!
Listen to music!
Catch some snoozes!
Drink some coffee!
Have a bite to eat!
Masturbate
Continue to masturbate
Look into the eyes of the man next you and masturbate
Tell him, “God, I love masturbating” and proceed to masturbate
Be sure to moan and groan while you masturbate
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Somehow this bus has Wi-Fi, which is great but also not great because now I’ve got a complex relating to buses and Wi-Fi. Do all buses have the ability to switch their Wi-Fi on and off? Or do only some buses have Wi-Fi at all? Do the bus drivers have a button to see when people are online, and then do they press that button to shut off the Wi-Fi just to be complete dicks? Do I have to ride...
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shortformblog started following you
This made my bus ride slightly more awesome. Also, go follow.
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You guys? I think I OD’ed on New York City. I was hitting up some old haunts from this summer (Cooper Square, the coffee place on 16th Street) when I got a really bad headache and decided that I didn’t ever want to leave New York. Yes, Mom and Dad, again.
Question: Am I an addict?
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This week’s 30 Rock is going to do an Internet and on Leap Day everyone is going to have parties and wear yellow and blue and give presents that they say came from Leap Day William and go to Benihana’s and you guys? This is the best show on television.
Also Jim Carrey is in a spoof of a Jim Carrey movie. Everything is beautiful and everything hurts.
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Things you can get for $2.50 in NYC
An average slice of pizza
Coffee… not Starbucks, never Starbucks
A single-ride subway ticket
Enough to pay the flat rate for a cab, and then get out where you got in
It’s just enough to not feel bad when you pass by a homeless on 21st Street
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Nothing charming about a bus.
In terms of long-term transportation options, buses are the worst.
What does a train have? Most Amtrak trains are comfortable as a nice couch, provide plenty of leg room for most average sized people, have snack cars, bathrooms where you can flush the damn toilet, and travel on scenic pathways designed to get from point A to point B in the shortest time possible for a locomotive of its size....
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“Mom, I just saw a sign for Florida. Where the hell am I?”
– Remember when I told you all about this insufferable person who wouldn’t stop talking on her phone? This is what she said just now.
Florida is a small village near the Upstate-Downstate border of New York. It is also a state in the southeastern United States which is 2000 miles away from...
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oreosonastick asked: I don't know what kind of bus you're on, but all greyhound express trips have free wi-fi. Believe me, it was a lifesaver for my 18-hour bus ride.
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CORRECTION ON THE BUS WI-FI
This bus only has Wi-Fi when parked at a bus stop. Which, of course, is where I’m totally going to want to watch MST3K rip on Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
No, bus! I want to get my Tom Servo on while you’re moving. You know, during the seven hours that I’m going to be on you. Otherwise, it’s just not even fair.
I am italics serious.
You know, you pay 91 dollars for a round...
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On the bus and guess what? Insufferable people everywhere! Let’s — you know what — let’s play insufferable people bingo! Chatty teenager talking loudly on the phone with her boyfriend? Got it. Band mates who can’t afford a band but brought all of their equipment with them? Got it. Obnoxious hipster kid who apparently goes to my school? Got it! Kind old lady who is...
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A New Policy Against Self-Harm Blogs
Reblogging because it’s an important signal boost.
staff:
One of the great things about Tumblr is that people use it for just about every conceivable kind of expression. People being people, though, that means that Tumblr sometimes gets used for things that are just wrong. We are deeply committed to supporting and defending our users’ freedom of speech, but we do draw some limits. As a...
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Writing feelings
Let’s rank writing feelings on a scale of “No” to “Mmmm.” This is assuming that you’ve finished a piece of writing and haven’t vomited, died, or murdered anyone in the middle of it all.
No - You can’t believe that you wrote this. This is a kindergartener’s hack job. This is like the time you wrote the poem about swings and your teacher singled...
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As much as I want to protest the unfairness of our country’s wealth disparity and the mistreatment of marginalized groups and the fact that there is too much bullshit happening in America today, I have things to do on May 1st, you know? And there’s a “Shut Down The Corporations Day” on February 29th (a.k.a. next Wednesday?) That’s just so inconvenient!
(This is a...
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Tables, all my life, tables
Virginia’s new legislation requiring women seeking an abortion to have a transvaginal ultrasound not only breaks Wheaton’s Law so hard that it snaps in three pieces and shatters on the cold ground, but it also falls smack under the auspices of the Bullshit Principle, wherein the guidelines clearly state that the law is and was always bullshit.
But seriously: If you’re a...
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The good thing about Five Guys.
You have to be in a very special kind of mood to willingly go to a Five Guys. It’s not just fast food; it’s fast soul food. It heals the heart, regardless of the heart attack. It soothes the senses. You actually can’t feel much after eating at Five Guys. It must be all of the salt dehydrating your skin.
Really, the point I was trying to make is that Five Guys makes a great...
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Let's suck down this Fanta and take a deep breath.
This one class of mine has no sense of humor. I’m trying my best tactics to get people to lighten up a little bit — tongue stuck out, wacky non sequiturs that somehow relate to the subject, swearing — and the most I’ve received are a few chuckles from the professor and some concerned looks from the chick who sits next to me.
And come on now, this isn’t okay. Since...
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Why can't Tumblr hold all of these GIFs
Upload the GIF, they said. Make it a private post, they said.
Let me make this a little more difficult than it should be, Tumblr said.
Let me not let your GIF play when you upload it, Tumblr said.
Let me wring your neck like a future roast chicken, I said. Let me laugh as tears roll down my supple cheeks, I said.
GIFs! All my life, GIFs!
And so began his descent into a 256-color dithered...
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Been so mad I nearly cyberbullied myself
The article that I had to read for class — the one that got me so fired up last night — was called “The Dumbest Generation,” and talked about how dumb this generation was. Of course, you’ll understand why I took issue with that statement.
(Answer: We’re not a dumb generation. I’m just an ass.)
But today in class, at least 75 percent of the other yokels...
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Don't judge
How most people currently judge people: Race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, knowledge of random and trivial facts, wealth.
How we should judge people: Their ability in understanding what’s bullshit, who’s bullshitting, why it’s bullshit, and creating things that aren’t bullshit.
I call this: The Bullshit Principle.
All y’all better study this...